What do I mean when I say, “live, LOVED”?
Often, when we come from places of pain, abuse, neglect, and disregard- we learn to see the world through lenses that are not at all accurate. We project how we feel about ourselves onto the people around us. If we don’t feel love for ourselves, when something goes sideways in relationships, often it strikes right at the heart of our sense of value, of being unloved and not enough.
When someone is cross with me, I find that are still automatically go to a place that feels deceptively ‘safer’. It is not safer. It cuts me off from relationship and often, from reconciliation. This place is full of lies about who we are. It screams that we are not of value. That we don’t matter. That we are invisible. That we are not enough.
This past week, I have struggled with this. The holidays are difficult. We live in closer proximity to family, even people that we love dearly. Personalities clash, stress is high, and misconceptions abound. It is easy to take all the yuck that this produces and stuff it down inside our gut until we can no longer move or think or feel. I have done so many years of healing work but I still struggle with this so much!
When someone is upset with me or disagrees or refuses my idea or chooses someones preference over mine, at times it sends me to my ‘unloved place’. It is dark and lonely there but it is also safe (or so I tell myself) it is not safe. It has the power to eat me alive. Why do we go there? why do we go to that self-depreciating place of self hatred, stinky lies and isolation? I know why I go there…it is familiar. I know this place. I grew up in this place. I grew up believing that my value was only found in what I produced (even though that was not enough either) I am familiar with reading faces and eyes and body language. My survival as a child depended on being an expert at this. I feel small and vulnerable and powerless. The ‘unloved place’ is safe because I am alone there. I detach before someone can detach from me. I fear the worst because I still struggle to believe in the best. Guess what? we have a choice about whether we stay in the light or go to the ‘unloved place’.
As I have been processing some particularly difficult relational issues, this idea of live, LOVED just kept bouncing back to me. If we live as though we are loved, we are putting on a different lens. It is a lens that gives us choice. It is like a wide open window. Fresh air comes in, stale air escapes. We can choose to know that we are loved, even in the midst of hard things. I have learned that often when I go to the ‘unloved place’, it is not really about reality. It is about perception and pain and fear. It is about being afraid to be seen. Afraid to truly be loved. To believe that we are loved is scary. It is vulnerable and exposing.
I appreciate my friend Meg for reminding me of this quote. I encourage you to read it fully and let it sit with you. It is a familiar quote so it is easy to skim over it. It fits so well with what we are talking about today.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Nelson Mandela
Live, LOVED means that we live in the light in a place where we believe in our innate need to be loved. Attitude is changed. Projection is minimized. It doesn’t mean we don’t feel pain, sadness or disappointment. It just means that we do it from a living loved place- a place in the light.
I want to be able to love freely. I want to be able to forgive easily. I want my liberation from this prison to liberate others. I want to be able to have intimate relationships. I want to be able to assume positive intent for not only myself but others around me.
How about you? does this resonate with you? Do you find yourself escaping to your own ‘unloved place’? I share these ideas and struggles in hopes that it will help someone else. That it will provide a sense of not being so all alone.
Remember, you are the apple of God’s eye. You are His pride and joy.
I want to live as daughter of the King 🙂 The God of the universe reached down and scooped each of us up and tucked us right close to His heart so we would know we are His Beloved.
