Isaiah 45:3
“And I will give you treasures hidden in darkness- secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the One who calls you by name.”
Hello Friends,
It has been a long long time since I have shared here. Actually quite a bit longer than I thought. These past 4 months have been some of the darkest yet. It hasn’t been pretty. Most days, it is hard to get up. It is hard to breathe. It is harder to think, impossible it seems. At points it doesn’t feel survivable. Often, I find, I don’t even want to. Just truth here.
Memories go off like lit firecrackers out of the deepest darkest places you can imagine.
Most days, I cry. And cry. Being creative is difficult as I struggle with feeling like if I do art that expresses how I really feel, it will take over all my beautiful places.
Sometimes, this journey feels like the magic bag in Mary Poppins. Do you remember? A lamp for pity sake. All kinds of surprises. And what about the magicians bag, also bottomless.
When I think it cannot get deeper or darker, it does. A wise woman told me (more than once) that the memories are not infinite. There is an end. They are what they are, they cannot reproduce. There is an end. I don’t know about you, but everything within me must believe that.
I started this canvas many weeks ago. Art has not been happening for me. So it sat on my table and I didn’t even visit.
Tonight, I braved the studio and tears began again, they have been a constant companion. How can I express? how can I release this utter darkness within me? is there any thing my hands can touch and bring to that canvas that will express this place I am in?
I went dark, went way outside of my box of creativity. Dark crimson colors and dark drips of ink that saturated the once light layers underneath.
I cried, using my fingers I rubbed darkness into the layers of media. Darker darker, no not dark enough…
Then Jesus reminded me of the scripture in Isaiah about treasures in dark places.
This verse has meant so much to me for many years. I was thankful that he reminded me of His promise. “I will give you treasures hidden in darkness”.
I allowed myself to not think about what I was doing next, not trying to define it or control it. Before I knew it, there was color, hopeful color. The dark passages were now touched with lighter elements. And He kept speaking through my fingers.
What does He mean when He says He will give us treasures hidden in darkness?
Take a close look at this picture, though the picture doesn’t do it justice. Layers and layers of dark paint underneath and yet there is this iridescent shine amidst the deep layers. I think that is what He means when He promises to give us treasures hidden in the darkness. We define beauty and treasure within the limitations of our human, pain-filled understanding.
But, what if, the treasures are not from the darkness but IN the darkness. I didn’t realize how much I had been holding my breath waiting for some romantic and magical moment when I would get to live the life I was born for….
But what if, the darkness is actually what tells us the story of who He wants us to be?
What if ‘journey’ doesn’t have a destination?
What if, we could have eyes to see the glistening reflections of light and color in the middle of the darkest places?
What if it is the dark places that cause our paths to cross with others who need to know they are not alone either? If I didn’t live, in and through my dark places, I would not have these 3 amazing children, a devoted abs loyal husband, and 7 little people to share life with.
What if the dark places we are trying so hard to graduate from actually house the truely miraculous beauty of His grace and our strength and gifting?
I know! Mind blown.
Ok, now, I am not giddy with joy over this revelation but I am hopeful. Through my tears, I am hopeful.
I am hopeful.
There will be more tears.
There are more hard pieces of my story to sit with and grieve.
But, I am committed to seeing the sparkles in the darkness. Those things I see through my tears. Tiny pieces of myself rescued from stories that were always too big and scary. Tears, once enemies, now flush the toxin of trauma out of my body.
My husband has been encouraging me to LIVE my days, not hold my breath waiting to arrive at that magical destination.
The truth is, I may be tending to the wounds of the past until I go home to be with Jesus.
But, what does today have for us friends?
What treasure are to be found in the struggle?
I am no expert. My ‘todays’ hurt a lot right now. I’m weary. So weary.
But this is His truth friends. I long to hold onto it.
I hope and pray you find comfort in knowing you are not alone and there is a purpose for everything that you go through. There are gems and jewels and moments and people. I know that sounds trite and there may be eye rolling but it’s true. Even when we can’t see it, its true.
Turn your face upward (I am)
Take a deep breath and know that it will be ok. It will all be ok.
Until next time lovelies,
Beloved-Reborn